In writing 15+ pieces, I’ve learned alot about myself…
- Based on the hit statistics for this blog, I’ve gotta be the most boring, least entertaining writer in history. Chuck’s better and more consice but even he’s having trouble to help this site find an audience.
- That I can now statistically prove my status as a borderline dunce has only inspired me to up my game so as to gain the immortal rank of “dazzling idiot”. A goal that I can assure you I take seriously. So here’s some more buffoonery for those of you that somehow managed to keep reading to this point…
Anthony Bourdain died this past week. The man was a hero to me in his irreverance for common social standards and in regards to his approach to the food and travel world. His ability and desire to introduce, invite, explain and ultimately unite the viewers/readers into his adventures made him different. There’s just nobody like him and what Chuck might call someone who “pushes it forward”. In my mind, there are three great modern writers, Mike Royko, Hunter Thompson and Dave Barry. I added Tony to my list some time ago and regret not saying so before.
As low as my standards might be, I usually stay away from poop comedy but I couldn’t help noticing the talking box in my morning commercials that explains how you can achieve colonoscopy-like results by simply sitting down on the toilet and mailing your “sample” to ’em. Having gone thru a colonoscopy this sounds like an award-winning idea to me with some important qualifications:
- If I understand the process correctly, you poop as usual and then have to somehow fish out your poop sample (tweezers?, gardening shovel?), bag it, tag it and then send it out thru the mail to the intended destination.
- Whoever’s on the receiving end of the sample-mailing has my undying respect. How would like to hear this while your munching on your morning bagel when someone yells out, “Hey Ralph! I have 40 boxes of s#*t for ya today!” and know they’re being literal? I assume the recipients have to don biohazard suits while thinking “what happened to my career and biology degree?” but yet accept more of a paycheck than the average bear might get. (Well deserved in my opinion.)
- I can’t dispense medical advice insomuch as I’m not a physician but colon cancer is serious. I CAN encourage all readers to consult their doctor about this topic.
We all have common fears like mine whether it be rattlesnakes, ticks, standing in waist-deep water on a beach in Cape Cod where Great White sharks are known to inhabit while somebody on the beach might realize they have to suddenly go into red-alert mode like the girl in “Jaws” if they spot an unusually large dorsal fin (or any other dorsal fin for that matter) cutting thru the surface, Nazi air raids, the moon suddenly and inexplicably ramming into planet earth, etc…
I DO NOT like telling people what to do on this blog but I’ll say this. Live like Anthony Bourdain.